I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
