is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
