i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
