there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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