I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
