The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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