Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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