WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
