when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
