I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
