I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
