I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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