thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
