I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
