Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
