This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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