I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize