I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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