I cannot find my penis.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
