I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
