Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
