i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
