a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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