Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Still dying that you shit outside
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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