No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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