i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
