I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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