this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
