Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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