you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
