First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
