Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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