when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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