I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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