I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She bit a glass in half.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
