somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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