Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
