Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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