It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
