Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
