I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
