I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
