you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
