So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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