i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
