I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
