U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
