I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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