3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
