My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
