I'm lost and stupid without you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
