I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
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Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
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In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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