she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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