Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
