you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
