I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
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My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
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Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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