Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
