why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
