Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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